Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Fear. Qualm. Trepidation.

There's really only two things I'm terrified of, excluding spiders. And I would say that they sort of go hand-in-hand. At least the way I see it. What I'm most afraid of is lack of experience or knowledge and not having enough time to do what I want during my lifetime.

You know how there's those questions that go something like: If someone wanted to tell you a piece of information, but it would change your relationship with your best friend, would you still want to know? Well, I would be one of, or maybe the only, people who said yes. Not because I would want the friendship to change, but because it kills me to know there's something I don't know. I feel like to be completely in charge of my life I have to know everything that would affect the decisions I make. I don't like to be clueless.

I would say I'm more afraid to have no life experiences. Not just any life experiences, but exciting, life-altering ones. Ones that will forever change the way I look at life. Or the way I live my life. Things like staying in a foreign country for an extended amount of time. Even just visiting a foreign country, backpacking through Europe, skydiving, or living on my own away from my family. I'm afraid of living a boring life here in Nowheresville, Illinois my entire life. Talk about being terrified. I don't want to live a boring life like I am now, forever. I just might go crazy.

This kind of goes with being afraid of having no life experiences. I'm also afraid of not having enough time to accomplish everything I wan to in life. I'm not necessarily afraid of death itself, more just dying to early for me to do what I want. For me to complete my "bucket list", if you will. Or even to become successful at my career or whatever I decide to do with this life of mine.

It seems as I get older I kind of release my irrational fears, like the dark, and my fears are now not actual "things." You can't grab a hold of them in the actual sense. They're like vapors, forever hovering above or around me, haunting me. There's nothing to about it, though. I just have to keep living my life and do those things I so truly want to do.

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