Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Devoid of Anything At All

I want to feel nothing. I want to lie down on a bed made of air and float. I want to float like a feather. Drifting back and forth in a nonexistent breeze. I don't want to let my feelings take me over. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I want to live, without regrets, without inhibitions. I don't want my conscience and judgment to win over my need for freedom. I don't want to feel anymore. I want, need, my body to grow numb--unaffected by outside influences.

Maybe, if this happens, I can be alone with only myself. Maybe then I can finally allow myself to do what I need to do in order to stay true to who I am. Emotions only get in the way. Maybe, by letting these feelings go, I can do what I need without a twinge in my gut or any other emotion-fueled reaction.

I want to feel nothing, in order to find myself. In order to learn what I need to do to recover the person I once was and become who I want to be.

Man, I really need to update more often... I wrote this at a time when I was feeling, I guess you'd say lost. I'd go to bed at night and realize that at the end of the day I couldn't think of one thing I did that I was proud of. I found that I had lost what made me, me. Everything part of myself that I loved. I was giving into people because I didn't want to have to explain myself, it was easier just to do what they wanted. And that wasn't right. I can't say that I'm 100% of who I used to be. But I'm almost there, I can feel the real Kate stirring, ready to make her comeback. And then some.

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