Saturday, October 15, 2011

I really just want to be alone at this point.

I think I might have made a mistake. Which would normally be totally fine because I make mistakes all the time. We all do, we're only human. Except it's not okay this time because it involves someone else and their feelings.

You know how some people say that a guy and a girl can't just be friends? That eventually one of them will end up falling for liking the other? I think I've finally come to this realization. You see, I've been pretty good friends with this sophomore boy since last year. We used to be in band together, before I quit, so we got to know each other through all the band stuff. We've hung out with a few times, with other friends present, and text each other. I should have stopped it though. He's told me multiple times that he likes me. Every time I've told him that I don't feel the same way about him. I just want to be friends. After I'd tell him that he would stop texting me, and then start again. I don't know, maybe he thought that some day he would have a chance. I know. I should have stopped it. But we were really good friends.

For a while I honestly did think that we could just be friends. That he'd finally accepted it or stopped liking me that way or something. So when he asked me to go to homecoming with him, I said I would. [Are you cringing yet? I am.] I really didn't think anything of it. Two of his friends were going with mine so I thought we were all going as friends. Now I can see this was not the case at all. The whole night he kept hitting on me. I obviously won't lie to myself, every girl likes to be hit on. But I knew this was going no where. It got to the point where I was just trying to avoid him. I mean, it was my senior homecoming, I really just wanted to dance and have a good time with my friends.

This whole time I've never wanted to be with him. There's no iffy feelings or maybe possibly I do. Trust me on this, when you know, you know. He keeps saying we should hang out sometime. He also keeps tweeting about it. Which kind of peeves me because I hate when other people know about my business without me offering it. I feel horrible about the whole thing. I never wanted to hurt him, I still don't. But I'm thinking that I have to tell him we can't even be friends anymore. It's just not possible. There's no way to do this without hurting him or making his friends hate me. Besides actually being with him, which isn't an option. I'm not going to lie to myself, him, and everyone else. In the end, that would hurt more than cutting it off now would.

I hate this feeling of regret and guiltiness. I hate how one person can make you feel so awful. I hate knowing it's mostly my fault. And I especially hate having to be the bad guy and do the dirty work.


  1. I'm sorry :( That's tough and it sucks. I hope that everything goes okay!

  2. I don't think it's your fault. You told that you just wanted to be friends. I totally understand why you feel bad about it, because it's never fun having to turn someone down. But it's not your fault that he isn't getting the picture even after you've told him that you don't want more.