Friday, February 26, 2010

where kate loses her mind.

Have you ever had one of those days where a smile feels foreign on your face? No matter how hard you try, it always seems fake. You can feel gravity pushing down on the corners of your mouth until it's too heavy and you have to stop. I hate that feeling, because then I know I'm trying to be someone I"m not. Trying to please people with a smile so they think, "Good, see? She's happy. Now all I have to worry about is myself." Most people only bother to care about others out of what they see as obligation, not because they really do. I really just want to tell them to stop, it's obvious that they really don't care at all.

It's not that I'm depressed, or anything like that. I just feel kind of empty. Like whatever I do I can't get my heart into it. I'm just going through the motions, making everyone else happy. I can't even grasp the right words and string them together in a sentence to relate what I'm feeling
This is where Kate starts to lose it.
It's kind of like I'm a zombie, moving through life with no real part of me. That's it! It's the beginning of the zombie apocalypse! First we start out just a little spacey, then feelings and emotions leave our bodies, but we mindlessly go through out day, until we don't even do that anymore. We slowly start to lose all sanity when eventually we're wild beasts! Feeding off human flesh, no shadow of our former selves recognizable! We're just empty shells. I would say I'm in between phase one and two.

There we go. Now when people ask what's wrong I can tell them it's the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. I may be the only person displaying these symptoms, but it's just a matter of time before everyone else does, too. You'll see.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Dear Kitty,

Well, hello there! This would be my first diary-esque blog, I guess you could say. I've been trying to update more frequently, but it's tough with school and everything else. My life is just so jam packed! When it gets so hectic and busy busy busy I have minor break downs followed by me doing as many things as possible to try and recuperate followed by more break downs. See the problem? It's a never ending cycle.

I guess it's my OCD-ness being controlled by my ADHD-ness but whenever I get overwhelmed I go into list making mode. Meaning I make a list for every possible thing. There's just something so gratifying about getting one of those things done and being able to put a slash through it! Then I get self-empowered and accomplish two more, and so on, until BAM! no more list.

Soooo, here's one of said lists:
  • Find a job. Oh how I would love the satisfaction of checking this one off! I've applied to five different places: Olive Garden, Journey's, Von Maur, PacSun, and Culver's. All last weekend, not a bad start I'd say. I already got a call back from Von Maur for an interview. I know, I know. I should be ecstatic, but it's so fancy I'd feel like a poser. Plus I'd have to buy new dress clothes, because I've got close to nothing. Besides, I think I have a good chance at Culver's because one of my cousins worked there and the manager remembered her and really liked that fact. So I guess we'll see on that one.
  • Name car.  Why's this one slashed through? Because I've named it, silly! And because when I make a list I put something down I can get done easy and check off. It's not cheating, it gives me a sense of accomplishment to go on and check more things off. Enough of my senseless rambling and the name is... Tucker!
  • Write more. While I have been doing this more lately I really need to get on it. Like really GET ON IT. I have an idea for a story formulating in my mind, but I need to get it down on paper before it vanishes from my mind. This also includes my journaling/diarying (diarrhea? say it out loud. see what I mean?)  efforts. I want to be able to look back and see what all I did when I was a crazy teenager.
  • And last, but not more healthy! Dang woman, it ain't that hard! I lack motivation, that's my problem. But I will mind my motivation and we will become best friends, gosh dang it! If it's the last thing I do.
Well there ya have it! A blog/list from yours truly. Just thought I'd let you know what I'm up to , or rather trying to be up to. See a lot of my time is spent pondering (procrastinating) the above list. Now I need to get to the doing. Which means I must end this blog, adios!

Fear. Qualm. Trepidation.

There's really only two things I'm terrified of, excluding spiders. And I would say that they sort of go hand-in-hand. At least the way I see it. What I'm most afraid of is lack of experience or knowledge and not having enough time to do what I want during my lifetime.

You know how there's those questions that go something like: If someone wanted to tell you a piece of information, but it would change your relationship with your best friend, would you still want to know? Well, I would be one of, or maybe the only, people who said yes. Not because I would want the friendship to change, but because it kills me to know there's something I don't know. I feel like to be completely in charge of my life I have to know everything that would affect the decisions I make. I don't like to be clueless.

I would say I'm more afraid to have no life experiences. Not just any life experiences, but exciting, life-altering ones. Ones that will forever change the way I look at life. Or the way I live my life. Things like staying in a foreign country for an extended amount of time. Even just visiting a foreign country, backpacking through Europe, skydiving, or living on my own away from my family. I'm afraid of living a boring life here in Nowheresville, Illinois my entire life. Talk about being terrified. I don't want to live a boring life like I am now, forever. I just might go crazy.

This kind of goes with being afraid of having no life experiences. I'm also afraid of not having enough time to accomplish everything I wan to in life. I'm not necessarily afraid of death itself, more just dying to early for me to do what I want. For me to complete my "bucket list", if you will. Or even to become successful at my career or whatever I decide to do with this life of mine.

It seems as I get older I kind of release my irrational fears, like the dark, and my fears are now not actual "things." You can't grab a hold of them in the actual sense. They're like vapors, forever hovering above or around me, haunting me. There's nothing to about it, though. I just have to keep living my life and do those things I so truly want to do.

Devoid of Anything At All

I want to feel nothing. I want to lie down on a bed made of air and float. I want to float like a feather. Drifting back and forth in a nonexistent breeze. I don't want to let my feelings take me over. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I want to live, without regrets, without inhibitions. I don't want my conscience and judgment to win over my need for freedom. I don't want to feel anymore. I want, need, my body to grow numb--unaffected by outside influences.

Maybe, if this happens, I can be alone with only myself. Maybe then I can finally allow myself to do what I need to do in order to stay true to who I am. Emotions only get in the way. Maybe, by letting these feelings go, I can do what I need without a twinge in my gut or any other emotion-fueled reaction.

I want to feel nothing, in order to find myself. In order to learn what I need to do to recover the person I once was and become who I want to be.

Man, I really need to update more often... I wrote this at a time when I was feeling, I guess you'd say lost. I'd go to bed at night and realize that at the end of the day I couldn't think of one thing I did that I was proud of. I found that I had lost what made me, me. Everything part of myself that I loved. I was giving into people because I didn't want to have to explain myself, it was easier just to do what they wanted. And that wasn't right. I can't say that I'm 100% of who I used to be. But I'm almost there, I can feel the real Kate stirring, ready to make her comeback. And then some.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Or maybe it's the same either way.

I could feel the heat climbing up my face. I was sure my face had to be a lovely shade of flaming red. I mean, it's not like people were out and out staring--but I could feel their glances life needle pricks on my skin. Sneaking a peek now and then, trying to be sneaky about it. I don't know which is worse. Or maybe it's the same either way.

As the class seemed to drag on, they were getting more and more blatant about it. Waiting two or three seconds longer each time to turn their heads away after I looked at them. It happens so often, I know it shouldn't bother me anymore. But all I could think about is how bad I wanted to get out of there. I needed an escape.

Aging, Not So Gracefully

"It gets easier as you get older." Really? They must be joking, 'cause that's a lie. It's actually the exact opposite. It seems another year goes past, each harder than the last. Life gets so much more complicated. Can't we just go back to when our parents were in charge of our lives?

Things were so much simpler when you didn't have to question the relationship with your best friend. You were simply just best friends. Now? Define the term. I'm not even sure if I've got one anymore. It seems like the more I try to climb this wall that was constructed overnight the higher it gets. This wall, made up of secrets, bad feelings, awkard situations and silences. What more can I do when I'm the only one who cares enough to try and fix this mess?

And whatever happened to boys having cooties? Talk about life getting harder. Now we ahve to worry about who likes who, does your hair look good today, is he flirting with me because he likes me, yada yada yada. It should be simple enough: he likes you, you like him. The end. But we all know it's not. It's all just a big guessing game, and one wrong word and it's all over.

It's not just moody best friends or indifferent boys, though. Life in general is just... harder. Now you have to make all your decisions for yourself. Sure, your parents or whoever can help you. But in the end it's you who has the final say. So now you've got to decided which is good or bad, fair or unfair, right or wrong, blah blah blah. And it's too hard to decide! 'Cause one wrong decision and suddenly the whole frikken world is pissed at you. What the heck? Why don't people warn us about this stuff?

In the end it comes down to this: life only gets harder the older you get. You can't expect life to be easy or you're pretty much setting yourself up to fail. All you can do is take life as it comes, stay true to yourself, and hang in there. I have to believe it'll all work out in the end.

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Place that is Me

Find your setting. Well that one's easy. I'm sitting in a room where my imagination has clearly been set loose. It's full of and decorated with things that are solely meant to distract me from reality. Over there, in that corner? Oh yeah, that's just a bookcase full of books I know from cover to cover, CDs of which I could sing every track, and movies that I can quote at the drop of the hat. I like to think of myself as accomplished... in procrastination.

The walls are plastered with anything you can imagine: movie posters, pictures cut from magazines, images dug out from rummage sales, a bulletin board covered with whatever you can think of. I'd much rather look into those windows than the one facing the dismal street outside. Why look out that window when I've got multiple ones displaying foreign scenes, dashing colors, wondrous stories in each picture. I mean, does my neighbor taking out his trash really compare at all to the deep, crystal blue of a Grecian harbor?

Now that might be enough distractions for you, but not me. Piled, stuffed, hidden away in every place imaginable are random, colorful objects that you can't find just anywhere. I pride myself on being a successful collector of stuff. Got any junk you need to get rid of? I"m sure there's a spot for it in my room. I've got martini glass lights, dollar store trinkets, leis, old souveniers, grain bin piggy bank; I could keep going but I think you've got the idea.

You see, to me, my room is where I hold my memories. My hopes and dreams. My regrets and accomplishmenhts. My everything. Every object, every picture, every piece of junk holds a special meaning to me. Places I've been, places I wish to go. Memories I've created, more memories I hope to create. Achievements, accomplishments, failures kept out in order to learn from them. Yes, it's busy and distracting. And yes, it's a bit weird and random. But it's a reminder and symbol of every I am.

Blinded by Self

With your head in the clouds, you're always
First to fall, last to know.
What's the point in getting back up
When all you do is fall down again.

Always on the wrong side of the fence
Wondering how you got there.
Life is such a blur
When all that you see is yourself.

Caught up in your own mess of a life
It's impossible to see the suffering of another.
Strut on by with your nose in the air
Don't look back it might be contagious.

Regret is a bitter tasting thing
Tasted only when it's too late to stop.
You will continue to walk with your head in the clouds
Only until you trip back into reality.

Of Summer Past

As I lay here in this field of clover
I dream of a youthful summer.
A magical time when days were full--
Full of innocent child's games,
soft, billowly clouds forming shapes before my wondrous eyes.
Full of warm summer sun softly baking my skin,
nights of fireflies transforming my world into one that of mystic.

As I lay here in this field of clover
my own adolescent summer almost over.
The leaves will turn, the air will chill.
Soon frost, then snow will kiss the ground
making my visions seem that of a lie.
But then -- buds will sprout, new life bourn,
thunderous rain will awaken new life.
Summer will approach, then come.
I may hope and wish my heart away,
but summer of childlike bliss will come no more.