Elsie and Pell

"Hey Elsie, why don't I ever get to drive places anymore?"
"Are you really asking me that?"
"Did you really just answer my question with a question?"
"Are we really going through this again?"
"Just answer the question."
"You don't know?"
"If you don't answer my question I'm going to--"
"Fine, fine. Well, first off you take every corner going AT LEAST thirty, you try to 'pop wheelies' at the curb when we're in a parking lot, stoplights and traffic signs clearly mean nothing to you, and if that's not good enough, you have a catch phrase you use often: I can make it! Even when you obviously can't."
"Wow."
"Exactly, Pell, exactly."
"No. I thought you enjoyed it."
"Enjoyed what?"
"The Pell Driving Experience. I mean, Elsie, you lead a pretty boring life. I figure--"
"Hey!"
"--might as well spice it up, let her experience the rush of a brush with death."
"You are a piece of work."
"You'll thank me later. Just wait for my next adventure for you..."
"What?! No. I refuse to take part. You are crazy if you think I will--hey! Don't walk away, I'm not done here!"

"And there, perched comfortably on my pillow, was Markus."
"Markus as in the spider who taunted you as a child."
"Yes, Elsie, is there any other Markus?"
"Well, there's Mar--"
"Rhetorical: meaning shut the hell up."
"Pell. That is so not what rhetorical means."
"Can I please get back to my story? Thank you. As I was saying, there was Markus. Like I hadn't taken charge so long ago and forced him from my room forever."
"Right, by killing him."
"Elsie! No! I could never--. Well, you know."
"Did I not just watch you knock out Gary Remelman in gym yesterday?"
"Yeah, but i didn't kill him! Sometimes you are so impossible. No. I asked him, kindly, to never show his feet-tickling, web-spinning, head-dangling face again. And he didn't. Until now."
"Head-dangling?"
"When I tried to sleep at night he would dangle above my head and taunt me."
"Huh. So what'd you do?"
"Captured him. Snuck him into the caf and released him--"
"How humanitarian of you."
"In Rob's milk."
"Pell!"
"Oh shush, it's not like I poisoned him. He almost got a dose of--. Well never mind."

A Trio of Poems

So here are three poems that I wrote back in January. We were doing a poetry unit in my English class and we had to write an ABC poem, an object poem (I don't actually remember what it's called), and then a free verse poem. Here there are!

ABC Poem
A nother day is about to begin
B oundless opportunities await just outside the door
C hoices are for making, just say when.
D on't let those people who are waiting for
E verything to come crashing down on you
F orce you into giving up on
G olden victory on which they wish to poo.

The Piano
A telegraph of emotions and feelings
Sends signals conveying that which I cannot say.
Those who carefully listen decipher my code.
As I hammer my dots and dashes, and get carried away.

Immune to the World
What kind of world do we live in,
where some people only care for themself.
Where people are only for the using
and friendship grows dusty on a self.

What has this world come to
when in order to survive you must take and take.
When you have to stab your friend in the back
and cause their whole world to break.

Well, I've grown stronger and wiser,
the trickery no longer works on me.
I've found a new way to survive
to which my pride and honor is the key.

I realize that these probably aren't my best. They've sort of made me realize that my poetry tends to be kind of literal. I've been trying to work on it. I know some poetry is good when it's like that, but all of my poetry is like that. You could say I've been kind of using these to base myself off of to improve. It's a work in progress and we'll see how it all turns out!

red booth diner.

I'm not quite sure how long we sat there across from each other. All I knew was that my butt was seriously starting to hurt and my brain was buzzing from trying hard not to return his gaze. I started to shift my position when it became clear that my bare skin had become stuck to the vinyl of the beat-up red booth. Wincing, I ripped my legs fast from the seat. "Just like ripping off a band-aid," Dad would say, "fast and all at once." And then we'd see who could do it the fastest. Giggling and squealing like the little girls we were.

"What is it?" he demanded softly, snapping me out of the wave of nostalgia.

"What are you talking about?"

"Your eyes--they changed. Like you were remembering something. Something that made you happy."

"It's impossible not to remember in this town." I replied. Everywhere I went something reminded me of her. Autumn was the worst with it's apple cider, mountainous leaf piles, and school starting. I remembered this one time--

"You're doing it again," he playfully warned me while tugging on at my hair, laughter in his eyes. But then suddenly his voice became softer and serious. "You know, it's okay to remember. They're part of who you are. Your past. She wouldn't want you to forget."

"It's just impossible to get on with my life when I'm constantly reminded of life before--before... it happened. Before, when there wasn't an after. Only tomorrow." As a rule, I generally didn't talk about what had happened. But on the rare occasion I did, I picked at my hangnails and avoided eye contact at all costs.

But the silence was too long, curiosity got the better of me and I looked up. I was expecting him to be looking at me with sympathy or pity, searching for the right words to "comfort" me. He knew me too well, though. He knew that's not what I needed, nor wanted. He just gravely, steadily gazed back at me. Saying nothing, but giving me exactly what I needed. He was simply there. And that was enough.

hiya!

Kate: know what word really pisses me off? hiya. its SO ANNOYING. and i don't even know why.
Caryn: It makes me think of a hyenna. Or however u spell it. hi-e-na
Kate: its just so annoying though! whenever u say it just sound too peppy.
Caryn: Yeah like they are too happy and u just wanna be like shut the f*** up!
Kate: i despise happy and peppy people. it makes me wanna run over their puppies and make them unhappy and unpeppy. especially if i'm having a bad day
Caryn: Oh man. Same here. Its like they've never been unhappy in their life and you just wanna chop their toe off or something
Kate: they're like evil robots who are trying to destroy the world with happiness and pep
Caryn: They need to get struck by lightening.
Kate: or be shown slide shows of starving african children and orphans and diseased puppies and kittens.
Caryn: Or pushed down a water slide so they'll rust
Kate: or forced into slavery because if they're so happy and peppy all the time they'll be happy to do the work
Caryn: Yes! We should do all of those to them
Kate: HA! i'd like to see them say hiya then!
Caryn: They will fell pain and sad feelings!!!
Kate: we're so evil. how do we live with ourselves?
Caryn: How would we NOT live with ourselves?

You don't have to tell me, I know we're sick and demented. But that's what best friends are for, right?

where kate loses her mind.

Have you ever had one of those days where a smile feels foreign on your face? No matter how hard you try, it always seems fake. You can feel gravity pushing down on the corners of your mouth until it's too heavy and you have to stop. I hate that feeling, because then I know I'm trying to be someone I"m not. Trying to please people with a smile so they think, "Good, see? She's happy. Now all I have to worry about is myself." Most people only bother to care about others out of what they see as obligation, not because they really do. I really just want to tell them to stop, it's obvious that they really don't care at all.

It's not that I'm depressed, or anything like that. I just feel kind of empty. Like whatever I do I can't get my heart into it. I'm just going through the motions, making everyone else happy. I can't even grasp the right words and string them together in a sentence to relate what I'm feeling
This is where Kate starts to lose it.
It's kind of like I'm a zombie, moving through life with no real part of me. That's it! It's the beginning of the zombie apocalypse! First we start out just a little spacey, then feelings and emotions leave our bodies, but we mindlessly go through out day, until we don't even do that anymore. We slowly start to lose all sanity when eventually we're wild beasts! Feeding off human flesh, no shadow of our former selves recognizable! We're just empty shells. I would say I'm in between phase one and two.

There we go. Now when people ask what's wrong I can tell them it's the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. I may be the only person displaying these symptoms, but it's just a matter of time before everyone else does, too. You'll see.

Dear Kitty,

Well, hello there! This would be my first diary-esque blog, I guess you could say. I've been trying to update more frequently, but it's tough with school and everything else. My life is just so jam packed! When it gets so hectic and busy busy busy I have minor break downs followed by me doing as many things as possible to try and recuperate followed by more break downs. See the problem? It's a never ending cycle.

I guess it's my OCD-ness being controlled by my ADHD-ness but whenever I get overwhelmed I go into list making mode. Meaning I make a list for every possible thing. There's just something so gratifying about getting one of those things done and being able to put a slash through it! Then I get self-empowered and accomplish two more, and so on, until BAM! no more list.

Soooo, here's one of said lists:

• Find a job. Oh how I would love the satisfaction of checking this one off! I've applied to five different places: Olive Garden, Journey's, Von Maur, PacSun, and Culver's. All last weekend, not a bad start I'd say. I already got a call back from Von Maur for an interview. I know, I know. I should be ecstatic, but it's so fancy I'd feel like a poser. Plus I'd have to buy new dress clothes, because I've got close to nothing. Besides, I think I have a good chance at Culver's because one of my cousins worked there and the manager remembered her and really liked that fact. So I guess we'll see on that one.
• Name car.  Why's this one slashed through? Because I've named it, silly! And because when I make a list I put something down I can get done easy and check off. It's not cheating, it gives me a sense of accomplishment to go on and check more things off. Enough of my senseless rambling and the name is... Tucker!
• Write more. While I have been doing this more lately I really need to get on it. Like really GET ON IT. I have an idea for a story formulating in my mind, but I need to get it down on paper before it vanishes from my mind. This also includes my journaling/diarying (diarrhea? say it out loud. see what I mean?)  efforts. I want to be able to look back and see what all I did when I was a crazy teenager.
• And last, but not least...be more healthy! Dang woman, it ain't that hard! I lack motivation, that's my problem. But I will mind my motivation and we will become best friends, gosh dang it! If it's the last thing I do.

Well there ya have it! A blog/list from yours truly. Just thought I'd let you know what I'm up to , or rather trying to be up to. See a lot of my time is spent pondering (procrastinating) the above list. Now I need to get to the doing. Which means I must end this blog, adios!