Day 17

A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

This would be a picture of a Billiken. For those who don't know, which is probably most you, the Billiken is Saint Louis University's mascot. You may be thinking to yourself, what the hell is a Billiken? Don't worry, I thought the same exact thing. He started out as a kind of good luck charm in the early 1900s. If you bought one it would bring you luck, but if someone gave one to you, you had better luck. I think it was more of a Japanese thing, than American. But SLU supposedly chose him as the mascot because it's said he resembles coach John R. Bender [I would be slightly insulted if I were him].

I recently went down to St. Louis with my parents for a campus tour of SLU. And I have to say, as of right now, SLU is probably my top choice for college. It's completely different from all the other colleges I've looked at. Most of them are in towns similar to the one I live in, which isn't that big. Originally, that's what I wanted, to go to a small college in a town like my own. But now I'm not so sure. It would be totally different from what I'm used to if I went to college in St. Louis or Indianapolis. SLU is definitely the biggest, it has 8,000 undergraduates and 5,000 graduates. This seems kind of intimidating to me, but I think I could handle it. While it is a 2 hour drive from my hometown, I do have family that I'm close to living in St. Louis. The campus was big, to be expected, but it was gorgeous and didn't seem as overwhelming as I thought it would be. Most importantly, is the accounting program, I could get my masters in 5 years! The shorter I have to be in college, the better. But we'll see how it all works out. I've still got to get through applying and my senior year.

Oh BEDA.

I was all nice and comfy in my bed watching Chelsea Lately when I realized I hadn't blogged today. Sigh. Oh BEDA, ruining my sleep schedule. Just kidding, I do that pretty well on my own. Is it sad that I'm basing this weekend on when I can sleep? I think it's a sign that summer can't come fast enough.

I'm not really sure what reminded me of BEDA. My subconscious maybe? But I have noticed that I do my deepest thinking while lying in bed trying to fall asleep. Has this ever happened to you? Usually I reflect back on the day and think of the next day and some random topic pops into my mind. [This also happens while I'm in the shower, but we won't go there.] I guess it's because there's really nothing else I should be doing, besides BEDA, except sleeping. I don't have to sit there and think about all the things I need to get done. I can just let my mind wander.

This is usually when I think a lot about my future. All my plans for going to college, what I want to do with my life, where I want to go. Honestly, I think I've planned out my whole life whilst lying on my bed waiting for sleep to take over. I know now that I want to major in accouting [so dry! but I can't help it, it's in my DNA] and minor in foreign business. The one constant I've always known about my future career is traveling. I have always wanted to live in a foreign country, one where I have to learn a foreign language. And for some reason I always imagine myself in Germany. Don't really know why I picked a country with a hard language to learn... My dad lived in Holland for 3 years when he was in his 20s. He's told me numerous times that it was probably the most life changing thing he's ever done. It forces you to learn a whole new culture and language, suddenly you're just there and you have to make do and survive.

This isn't working, I can barely keep my eyes open. I promise that tomorrow I'll remember at a more decent time.

Where do I go from here?

Is it possible to have multiple dreams? And if so, what happens when it's not really possible to do them all? I've reached a point in my life where I seriously have to ask myself the question: Where do you see yourself in five years? Which seems like a simple enough question. If I asked my classmates that I'd probably get answers like: Graduating college, starting my career, and getting married; or, Going on to medical/pharmacy/law school; or even, Working in a factory/farm/store/etc; or possibly a simple, I have no effing clue, why are you asking me? But I can't seem to find an answer. I feel like there's too many different things I could do and still be happy and successful.

For most of my childhood I aspired to be a veterinarian. I've had sooo many pets over the years: hamsters, dogs, fish, birds, frogs, and hermit crabs. I always loved it when we took my dogs to the veterinarian for a check-up. It seemed like the perfect job, getting to be with animals all day long. Then I started taking horse-back riding lessons, and I fell in love with horses. Then I knew that I wanted to be an equine/bovine veterinarian. I could work with horses (and cows, but mostly because that would make sense seeing how I live in the Midwest) all day and make a heap load of money doing it. And honestly I could still see myself doing this. I know I could do it, sure it's a lot of schooling, but so what? I mean we are talking about the rest of my life.

However, I've also always loved writing. When I was younger people would ask me what are you going to do when you grow up. I'd respond: I'm going to be a best-selling novelist! They'd all laugh and do that "Well isn't she the cutest" face. (This was on the off days when I didn't want to be a veterinarian, of course.) And now as a young adult (teenager, whatever) I could totally see myself living that lifestyle. Getting a job as a journalist for a magazine or newspaper, on the off-hours working on my future best-selling novel. I've also always wanted to live in a big city. Growing up in a small town, going to a school of three-hundred some students, it's been kind of hard to really get an urban experience. And a four-day trip to St. Louis or Chicago does NOT count, Mom.

Then there's the practical career option I've been considering. This one would probably make both my parents very happy. I'm kind of a nerd in the way I'm good at and like math. There's just something so satisfying in solving a problem, getting the right numbers, and getting only one right answer. My parents are both accountants so I got a view of that world pretty early. I know it's a career I'd be good at, and probably like. I could also do international business, I love foreign languages. So that way I could travel like I've always wanted.

Sigh, see the dilemma? There's too many choices. What happened to the days when your parents made them all for you? I know at sixteen, almost seventeen, it's not a terrible MAKE THIS DECISION NOW type of thing. But I'm the type of person who likes to have these things figured out. I turn them all over and over in my mind, trying to picture myself living each of these lives. Trying to figure out which one would be the most fulfilling, the one where I would be happiest. Because in the end isn't that what we're after? A long, happy, fulfilling life?

I just have to keep telling myself that I'm still growing and maturing. I know that if I give it time I'll know what I want to do with my life. It's just not easy for an over-analyzing, perfectionist like myself to keep working towards a future. When I don't even know what future it is I'm working towards. I guess until then I'll just keep taking online personality tests and career quizzes until the answer falls from the sky and hits me on the head.