Where's the laugh track?

Friday night I attended an overnight thingy at the college I'll be attending next fall. Well, it was actually an overnight for next semester's freshmen who are applying for the honors program. The person I was *supposed* to be staying with was rushing a sorority that night and never showed up. I would have been panicked, but I got to hang out with a couple of my brother's friends. When it was time to go back to the dorms for the night the RA found me a room to stay in.

I go in there, meet one of the roommates and another girl staying there, and everything seems good. They're both nice. We're about to watch The Hangover. The roommate mentions that her roommate is a bit crazy and tells how she fell off the top bunk last night. The girl walks in with one of her friends and I know her. I know her. Great. Because I know her and know what she's like. And I don't like her. She chats for a couple minutes, leaves, and comes back with a group of guys who are also there for the overnight.

The start talking about how they skipped one of the "lame" presentations [how could they know if it's lame if they didn't go to it, stupid] to watch the TKEs get initiated. Now, I have nothing against fraternities or sororities. I have friends and family members who I adore greatly that are/have been in one.In fact, I might join one when I go to college. Who knows. But there's always that fraternity and that sorority which is like how they are portrayed in the movies. So they start talking about how "effing awesome" it was. And every time one of them says TKE [pronounced teek] they start chanting, "TEEK TEEK TEEK TEEK TEEK" over and over and over again. At this point I'm thinking, "Is this really my life? Am I in a sit com?" And complain how they can't go to the party.

This whole time the girl that I don't like is flirting with them, tossing her hair around, standing with her butt sticking out -- the usual.One of the boys mentions that they want to be on the football team. She says, "Well I'm on the dance squad so I'll be sitting right behind you, cheering!" *cue hair tossing and waving of the pom poms conveniently placed on the window sill*

This went on for about ten minutes before the RA, who happens to be one of my friends, saved me. In the end, I stayed in a room with two different girls. I felt bad for the other girl, she seemed really nice, but damn. Her roommate is something else. I mean, I felt like I was in Sydney White or something. I didn't want to be a prude or anything, I have been to parties and been around people like that. But I was not going to be subjected to the ridiculousness of the whole situation for the next nine hours.

Day 24

A picture of something you wish you could change.

I know I've talked about this before so I'll keep it short and sweet. But I wish I could change what happened at homecoming with my friend/date and how I handled the whole thing afterward. I handled the situation all wrong. I hurt his feelings and messed with my own head. I knew how I wanted our relationship to be (friends only) and now I have to admit, like a big girl, that I might have led him on a bit. Not on purpose. I would never do such a thing intentionally. But, nonetheless, it happened. And then I just ignored the whole thing like a big poop. I wish I could change it. But I can't. I've finally dealt with it. And I've also apologized. After the whole thing, I can't say we're friends anymore. Which sucks. However, I knew it would end up like this somehow, someway. Because I don't believe that two people can be friends when one of them has feelings for the other. The only thing I can do is move on and not put myself or anyone else through this whole mess again.

[This picture is from the homecoming game. I didn't want to post a picture of him.]

Day 22

A picture of something you wish you were better at.

I really, really wish I was a good skier. Now, I don't want you to get the impression that I ski on a regular basis or every winter. I've only skied twice in my life. But I remember how much fun it was. The rush as you hurtle done the side of a mountain, or in my case a very, very large hill. How pretty the snow looks on the ground and the trees. It's so satisfying once you're able to reach the bottom without falling once. [Shocking, right?] Plus how cool would it be to tell people that you ski. Like, regularly. I also understand that it can get pretty pricey. But I can dream, right? I'm just such a winter person it feels wrong to not be able to say that I ski, snowboard, or ice skate. [I can ice skate, but not very well.]

Is there anything that you guys wish you were better at? And do any of you ski? If so, I am extremely jealous of you.

I really just want to be alone at this point.

I think I might have made a mistake. Which would normally be totally fine because I make mistakes all the time. We all do, we're only human. Except it's not okay this time because it involves someone else and their feelings.

You know how some people say that a guy and a girl can't just be friends? That eventually one of them will end up falling for liking the other? I think I've finally come to this realization. You see, I've been pretty good friends with this sophomore boy since last year. We used to be in band together, before I quit, so we got to know each other through all the band stuff. We've hung out with a few times, with other friends present, and text each other. I should have stopped it though. He's told me multiple times that he likes me. Every time I've told him that I don't feel the same way about him. I just want to be friends. After I'd tell him that he would stop texting me, and then start again. I don't know, maybe he thought that some day he would have a chance. I know. I should have stopped it. But we were really good friends.

For a while I honestly did think that we could just be friends. That he'd finally accepted it or stopped liking me that way or something. So when he asked me to go to homecoming with him, I said I would. [Are you cringing yet? I am.] I really didn't think anything of it. Two of his friends were going with mine so I thought we were all going as friends. Now I can see this was not the case at all. The whole night he kept hitting on me. I obviously won't lie to myself, every girl likes to be hit on. But I knew this was going no where. It got to the point where I was just trying to avoid him. I mean, it was my senior homecoming, I really just wanted to dance and have a good time with my friends.

This whole time I've never wanted to be with him. There's no iffy feelings or maybe possibly I do. Trust me on this, when you know, you know. He keeps saying we should hang out sometime. He also keeps tweeting about it. Which kind of peeves me because I hate when other people know about my business without me offering it. I feel horrible about the whole thing. I never wanted to hurt him, I still don't. But I'm thinking that I have to tell him we can't even be friends anymore. It's just not possible. There's no way to do this without hurting him or making his friends hate me. Besides actually being with him, which isn't an option. I'm not going to lie to myself, him, and everyone else. In the end, that would hurt more than cutting it off now would.

I hate this feeling of regret and guiltiness. I hate how one person can make you feel so awful. I hate knowing it's mostly my fault. And I especially hate having to be the bad guy and do the dirty work.

Day 18

A picture of your biggest insecurity.

I have honestly been putting this one off for a while. I've probably mentioned this before, but I have a thyroid disease that slows down my metabolism. We first learned about it when I was ten. From that time period on my biggest insecurity has been my weight. I know I'm not obese, or even big. But there were definitely times in my life when I felt that I was. I struggled so much when I was younger with my weight. I would see all my friend and think to myself how unfair it was that they were skinny and I wasn't. Why couldn't I be like them? I would get all into exercising and eating right. Then suddenly I would ask myself why. It didn't matter how hard I tried, I'd never be like them. Because of this my weight has fluctuated a lot over the past four years.

Until recently I couldn't deal with the emotional stress of being overweight, and then not, and then being overweight again. And so on. Now I find it easier to accept that, yeah, I may never be skinny. I may never be a size 2 or even a 6 or 8. But that's okay. The most important thing to me now is just being healthy. Eating right because I feel good and whole afterward. Running not because I enjoy running, but because I have more energy. Don't get me wrong, in doing these things I do hope to be more slender. I also haven't completely thrown my weight issues out of the window either. I don't think I ever will. But I am able to make myself understand that I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else. Comparing myself to others isn't healthy, and no good can ultimately come out of it.

*This picture is from my eighth grade trip to Washington, D.C. I consider this the low point of my self-esteem problems.

Day 14

A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

I couldn't imagine not having my family in my life. For the obvious reason, I literally wouldn't be here if it weren't for my parents. Well, duh Kate. But, seriously, I couldn't imagine not having them in my life, not being close to them. My whole life we've been a super close family. Every summer for as long as I can remember we go on a family vacation. Last year we went to Tennessee, this year we're going to Colorado for the 3rd time. I guess it's because of all the things like this that we do together. As much as I fight with my mom she's an incredible woman and a huge support to me. She really is one of the strongest women I know and she's helped me through so much. And I've already dedicated a whole post about my dad.

My brother, Conor, and I haven't really been all that close growing up. I mean, obviously, we're pretty close considering we're only 3 years apart and have lived together our whole lives. But we're not like best friends. We fought an awful lot when we were younger. Sometimes it got so bad that while my parents were at work she'd call my gramma. My grandparents live like 4 streets away, so she'd just show up. That's when we knew we were in for it when our parents got home. But as we've gotten older we've gotten closer. We've realized that it's not worth it to be fighting all the time. Now we have actual conversations and make time to do stuff together. And I know that as my older brother he'll always be there for me when I need him.

It's just hard to imagine not having that support system I've grown up with. We've definitely been through some really tough times. It amazes me how we've managed to get through them together and still remain as close as ever. I'm so extremely grateful and thankful to have them. And I know how incredibly lucky I am. It really does make me sad that some people just don't have that. I hope that some day when I have a family of my own I can provide my children lives the way my parents have for my brother and me.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed...

I am going to admit it: I'm kind of a novice at writing poetry. While I have had many lectures and courses over it for about the past five years in my English classes, I've never really done much with it. I would do those monotonous assignments where we had to write two or three poems in each variety over the give subject. Along with my fellow classmates I would moan and complain. "What's the point?" "This is sooo boring, we've done this every year!" Then I proceeded to go home, fudge my way through it, doing just enough to get a decent grade on the assignment (which, to tell the truth, wasn't hard at all.)

However, as I've grown and developed over the years (quite beautifully I might add...), I've discovered that poetry isn't quite that bad at all. I've found that if I actually spend time on reading poems, developing my skills on reading and writing, and studying structure it's kind of a big deal for me. I find it to be much more helpful when I want to express myself. Sometimes it's just sooo much easier to get out what I'm trying to say or what I'm feeling without having to conform to the structure and rules of sentences and paragraphs. Oh, sure, I still love to write a good essay or story and what not. But it's always pleasant to have this free, unstructured way of expressing myself to fall back on and emerse myself in.

The whole point to this blog is mainly just to inform you that yes, my poetry is kind of... amateurish and yes, I do need a bit more work and practice with it. However, that's how we all start out isn't it? As an amateur and needing more practice. And also that the poetry I post really isn't meant to ridiculed and graded, but for me to get out what I'm feeling, to let me have some kind of release of these pent up feelings I have inside me. Because let's face it, high school's hard what with all the drama, homework, and God knows what else. We all need some way to deal. And I suppose this must be mine.