For the love of God, take me back! Please?!

It was been SOFREAKINGLONG since I last blogged. I meant to take a month-long break and then do BEDA. But obviously that didn't work out... I just constantly make myself seem inconsistent and non-trustworthy. In my defense 4th-quarter calculus is an ugly beast that no senior with a serious case of senioritis should ever have to battle. But I battle I did and victorious I emerged (sort of).

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this blog. I never actually had a plan or strategy so I guess that means don't expect one? Who knows. I cannot promise to remain consistent because I don't want to inadvertently lie to you all. But I will try my best to continue blogging. That may be difficult come fall because I'M STARTING COLLEGE (WOOOOOO! YEAAAAAAH BUDDY!), but I will try.

Too much has happened these past few months to try to catch you all up in one post. I'll hit the highlight quickly: I had various breakdowns involving calculus and an eleven-page research paper. I hibernated from Blogger (obv.) and wasted entirely too much time on Tumblr (link to the right). I grew closer to some friends and distanced myself from others (whine whine cry cry). I went to prom with a big group of friends and a boy who I never really talked to before and still haven't since. I discovered that grinding at school dances is uncomfortable and awkward, and invariably learned how to avoid this dance move (somewhat gracefully). I learned that as I grow older I become slightly more bitter and that time moves way too quickly. I had my last day of high school (EVER) yesterday. I will graduate on Sunday as valedictorian (LOOK AT ME NOW) with four other friends (no we did not cheat, and no our classes are not easy). I realized that what my life lacked was a place to vent, talk about whatever the hell I want without risking friendships, and just be crazy and stupid in general.

To those whose blogs I follow: I will definitely not be catching up on all the posts that I've missed. I'll most likely start reading your posts beginning sometime in April. And to everyone who cares enough to still be reading this: what's hap-hap-happenin'? Remember that this is a place for loving and venting so please do not hold back.

xoKate

Fast Times at Corn Field High

Sometimes I wonder what compels me to even go to my school anymore. I swear, it's like instead of going to school and getting smarter, people in my class are going to school and getting stupider. Actually, that probably has to do with the amount of pot that a lot of them smoke on a regular basis. I'm serious. The school districts in my county have certain reputations. One's known for slutty girls, one for super-athleticism, and mine is known for the large population of potheads.

In my economics class today the teacher left the classroom to go make copies. The guys sitting around me immediately take the opportunity to start talking about the teacher. Whatever, it happens. I'm 100% sure that the teachers talk about us. But one of them goes, "Duuude did you see his eyes? He's totally high right now." To which another replies, "They're so red! He should be in a better mood than he is, though. I bet him and [insert other teacher's name here] light it up all the time." At this point it's all I can manage to not roll my eyes and laugh out loud. I mean seriously. Did you also notice that he's wearing glasses today, which he doesn't normally do. This probably means that he has a problem with his eyes or contacts. And the other teacher? Yeah, his wife's a police officer. I'm not sure how much "toking" he gets up to.

Just because a large number of people in our school smokes pot does not mean that the teachers do as well. I mean, I guess I could be wrong. There are probably teachers that do get high. But I doubt I'm wrong on this one. God, I've just realized that I sound a bit like a prude. I'm sorry! But I'm bookish and slightly introverted, okay? I'm not sheltered, I have "seen" a part of the world outside of academics and parent-approved activities. But I actually want to do something with my life besides "hang out" and just get by. That said, I honestly can't wait until I can get away from the stoner population that I've been forced to grow up with. Some of them are very nice people, to me at least, but pot does nothing to help the brain cells. And you can definitely tell with the majority of these people.

Just two and a half more months. That's it. I can hold out until then. I think.

Sushi!

 Week 1 of being 18

My first week as a legal adult. [My mom says that you're not really an adult until you can provide for yourself. She kind of has a point.] The glorious day of my birth began with fog so thick I could barely see the other side of the high way on my way to school. It ended with gifts from my family, including my wondrous new Nook! I still haven't really used it yet, though, because I have some books that I bought a while back that I need to read. I finished The Once and Future King, over a month after I started it, and I'm not going to review it. Honestly, I don't have enough words to do it any justice. You should definitely read it, though. My WYSE team advanced to sectionals [yeah!]. Unfortunately, I didn't place in my subjects, English and math, but I don't really mind as much as I thought I would. My friends took me out to a sushi and steakhouse. It was delicoussssss! I hadn't eaten there since prom last year, and I had forgotten just how delicious it is. They [sort of] surprised me with cheesecake. And we ended the night by eating Blizzards from Dairy Queen and watching re-runs of Hey Arnold!

The only downside to this week is the illness I'm now fighting with Advil, Luden's Cough Drops, and cold medicine. I don't think I've ever had a birthday without getting sick at some point. But overall, a great start to my 19th year. And thanks to Lex, Anna, and Hazel for wishing me a happy birthday!

You guys....

IT'S MAH BIRFDAY!!!!!!!!!

I am now a legal adult. In the sense that I'm eighteen years old. My mom says that I'm not really an adult until I can support myself. Poop.

But it doesn't matter anyway....

Because...

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm also the proud owner of a helicopter now. Birthdays are great.

Where's the laugh track?

Friday night I attended an overnight thingy at the college I'll be attending next fall. Well, it was actually an overnight for next semester's freshmen who are applying for the honors program. The person I was *supposed* to be staying with was rushing a sorority that night and never showed up. I would have been panicked, but I got to hang out with a couple of my brother's friends. When it was time to go back to the dorms for the night the RA found me a room to stay in.

I go in there, meet one of the roommates and another girl staying there, and everything seems good. They're both nice. We're about to watch The Hangover. The roommate mentions that her roommate is a bit crazy and tells how she fell off the top bunk last night. The girl walks in with one of her friends and I know her. I know her. Great. Because I know her and know what she's like. And I don't like her. She chats for a couple minutes, leaves, and comes back with a group of guys who are also there for the overnight.

The start talking about how they skipped one of the "lame" presentations [how could they know if it's lame if they didn't go to it, stupid] to watch the TKEs get initiated. Now, I have nothing against fraternities or sororities. I have friends and family members who I adore greatly that are/have been in one.In fact, I might join one when I go to college. Who knows. But there's always that fraternity and that sorority which is like how they are portrayed in the movies. So they start talking about how "effing awesome" it was. And every time one of them says TKE [pronounced teek] they start chanting, "TEEK TEEK TEEK TEEK TEEK" over and over and over again. At this point I'm thinking, "Is this really my life? Am I in a sit com?" And complain how they can't go to the party.

This whole time the girl that I don't like is flirting with them, tossing her hair around, standing with her butt sticking out -- the usual.One of the boys mentions that they want to be on the football team. She says, "Well I'm on the dance squad so I'll be sitting right behind you, cheering!" *cue hair tossing and waving of the pom poms conveniently placed on the window sill*

This went on for about ten minutes before the RA, who happens to be one of my friends, saved me. In the end, I stayed in a room with two different girls. I felt bad for the other girl, she seemed really nice, but damn. Her roommate is something else. I mean, I felt like I was in Sydney White or something. I didn't want to be a prude or anything, I have been to parties and been around people like that. But I was not going to be subjected to the ridiculousness of the whole situation for the next nine hours.

Day 24

A picture of something you wish you could change.

I know I've talked about this before so I'll keep it short and sweet. But I wish I could change what happened at homecoming with my friend/date and how I handled the whole thing afterward. I handled the situation all wrong. I hurt his feelings and messed with my own head. I knew how I wanted our relationship to be (friends only) and now I have to admit, like a big girl, that I might have led him on a bit. Not on purpose. I would never do such a thing intentionally. But, nonetheless, it happened. And then I just ignored the whole thing like a big poop. I wish I could change it. But I can't. I've finally dealt with it. And I've also apologized. After the whole thing, I can't say we're friends anymore. Which sucks. However, I knew it would end up like this somehow, someway. Because I don't believe that two people can be friends when one of them has feelings for the other. The only thing I can do is move on and not put myself or anyone else through this whole mess again.

[This picture is from the homecoming game. I didn't want to post a picture of him.]

EXPLOSION

I've been a bad, bad blogger. It's been a week maybe that I haven't even logged into Blogger? I'm not sure. I could check but Christmas break has made me lazy. I had excellent, amazing things planned for this post. They were going to blow your mind. Fireworks! Explosions! Leonardo DiCaprio! I promise you, it was going to be something for the record books. However, I instead decided that it wouldn't be so nice to blow your mind and render it useless so close to Christmas. For your reading pleasure: a questionnaire stolen from Kathy.

 

1. What time did you get up this morning?

I sort of woke up at 9:30 am. But I fell asleep and woke up off and on until 11 am when I decided to grace the world with my presence. Hey, give me a break, I don't have to go back to school for two weeks.

2. How do you like your steak?

Are you offering? Medium.

3. What was the last movie you saw at the theater?

I went to see Immortals with my friends Kayla and Morgan. As I said before, it was all right. Not the greatest. The guys were hot, though. So that's always a plus!

4. What is your favorite TV show?

At the moment I am in love with New Girl. Zooey Deschanel is the greatest. I'm also obsessed with Sons of Anarchy. Because who doesn't love TV shows about motorcycle gangs?

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

Pffffffffff. I don't even know at this point. I would love to live anywhere in Europe. But not permanently. I imagine I will end up settling somewhere in Illinois or Missouri because I'm too close with my family to be able to move away from them forever.

6. What did you have for breakfast?

I woke up too late for breakfast. I had mac 'n' cheese for lunch, though.

7. Do you wear glasses or contacts?  

Contacts, for sure. I absolutely hate wearing my glasses. They just feel too inhibiting.

8. What food do you despise?

I am always willing to try anything once. But I cannot stand tuna. Just the smell of it makes me feel sick.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?

Guadalajara. [Not the place in Mexico, the Mexican restaurant literally two minutes away from my house.]

 

10. Favorite dressing?

I can't stand dressing. But the pizza place Monical's has their own special French dressing that is divine with pizza. Sounds gross, but I promise you it's otherworldly.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?

A lovely, super fantastical 1996 white Jeep Cherokee. No frills and no cup holders.

 

We call him Mallow.

12. What are your favorite clothes?

I love to wear over-sized short t-shirts with a tank top or long-sleeved shirt underneath and jeans. I'm pretty simple. Oh, and  a scarf is nice as well.

13. Where would you visit, this weekend, if you had the chance?

Well this weekend is Christmas Eve and Day, so I really wouldn't want to leave because all my family will be in town. But the following weekend is New Year's so I'd like to go to NYC.

14. How many tattoos do you have? 

I'm not eighteen yet so I technically can't have any tattoos, not that that stops people if they really want one. I'm not sure if I'll even have one or not. I don't have plans to get any at this point in my life.

15. Where would you want to retire?

Colorado. I love it there.

16. What is your desktop photo?

Pictures like these can be found on my Tumblr, which is listed in the side bar. I suggest you czech it out.

17. Where were you born?

Somewhere in Central Illinois [actual town will remain undisclosed, although it may not be that hard to figure out if you're somewhat familiar with Illinois].

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?

Football. GO PACK GO!

19. How many siblings?

 One, my older brother Conor. He's twenty and I'm seventeen.

 

20. Favorite pastime/hobby?

Reading, Tumblring, Youtubing, hanging out with friends, video gaming, and a lot more fun stuff.

21. Coffee Drinker? 

I prefer frappuccino, but if I must I'll drink plain coffee with creamer.

22. Are you a morning person or a night person?

Night, for sure. I have the worst time waking up in the morning. It doesn't even matter if it's six in the morning or eleven. It seems as the day goes on I get more and more awake until I'm bright-eyed at one in the morning. That said, I never have any trouble going to sleep. I can pretty much force myself to fall asleep whenever, even if I'm not tired.

23. Do you have any pets?

Two dogs, Holly and Maggie.

Holly's the beagle, and Maggie's the black dog [half-bloodhound and half-Australian-shepherd].

24. What did you want to be when you were little?

An author. Before that? Bugs Bunny.

25.  What is your favorite color?

Blue.

26. Are you a cat or dog person?

Dog. I like kittens, but I can't really stand grown-up cats.

27. Are you married?

Nope!

28. Always wear your seat belt?

Yes, even if I'm moving my car from the driveway to the street. Safety first, children!

29. Been in a car accident?

Ugh, yes. If you really wanna read about it click here. Pictures are included.

30. Any pet peeves?

Believe it or not, I have many. To save some time I'll just tell you my top two. My first is when I'm eating with someone and I can hear them chewing and/or see their food. It annoys me to no end. My second is when people are late. If you say you are going to be somewhere at a specific time you should be there then. It's so rude to make the other person wait for you. This probably has to do with the fact that I'm early for everything so I have to wait around in the first place.

31. Favorite Pizza Toppings?

Bacon and shrimp. Whenever we go to pizza places that specialize their toppings for you, my dad and I always get this.

32. Favorite Flower?

Roses will always do with me.

33. Favorite ice cream?

I can't remember the brand or even the name of ice cream, but my friends and I always go out and buy this cake and icing ice cream whenever we have girl's night in. It's soooo delicious. It's vanilla ice cream with cake bits and icing.

34. Favorite fast food restaurant?

Taco Bell!

35. From whom did you get your last email?

It was actually a reply from Kathy to one of my comments on her blog.

 

And for good measure, here's some Leo for ya! [Does anyone get the title reference?]

 

Day 23

A picture of your favorite book.

Instead of making myself pick a favorite Harry Potter book, I'm just going to say that they are collectively my favorite book/series. I began reading them in the second grade after the first movie came out. After that I was pretty much addicted for life. My dad loves them just as much as I do. For me, they're really the books that got me hooked on reading. I know as a seven year old you don't do a whole lot of reading, but there was a definite increase in my reading time after reading the first book. I don't know what it is. The characters, the plot, the quality of the writing. But there's just so much more that I don't even know if I can put it into words. Every time I reread one of the books I discover something I hadn't noticed before. Maybe a scene that explains something that happened in another book. Or a clever/witty remark or statement. It's more than just good versus evil. It's about doing what you know is right even if it's not the easy thing to do. Being loyal to those you love. Knowing that you're not alone, and that it's okay to trust others and accept help.

I know it's corny to say but Harry Potter really was my childhood. I've lost count of how many times I've read each book. It became tradition for me to reread the whole series every summer. Obviously, you can tell that these books have been read a lot [as I said my dad reads them, too]. We have doubles of all the books except for the first and the sixth. The last book has inscriptions written in the inside cover from when my dad and I went to the midnight release together. I really could go on and on about how much Harry Potter has impacted my life. But in the end, Harry Potter will always be a part of who I am.

Decisions, decisions. And my descent into insanity.

I've been accepted to Saint Louis University! This is huuuge. This means that I have to make the choice of whether to go to SLU or Millikin. I was kind of hoping they'd make the decision for me. But that's not going to happen. You see, for the past few months I was all about going to SLU next year. I mean, I did apply to Millikin. But mostly because a bunch of my family went/goes there, my mom works there, and it's in my hometown. But then I went on a tour [despite the fact that I've been there too many times to count] and now I'm all confused. WTF.

Anyway, last night I had a dream that I was going to school at Millikin. It really wasn't a weird dream, either. I just went to class, hung out with friends, and did normal college things.[There was this one part, though, that involved a really cute guy. Oh yeah.]

So how am I supposed to know which college is the right one for me? Is this dream trying to tell me that Millikin is the way to go? Some people might take it as a sign, my subconscious telling me that I really do want to go there. And I probably would have taken it that way in the past. But this is such a huge decision, I can't let one measly little dream do it for me. I keep telling people that I'll definitely know by March. "I don't know how I'll know, but I'll know," I always say. But as March keeps getting closer [this year is going fast, people] I'm still stuck at the same place I've been since the beginning of the school year. I have absolutely no clue. I don't know how I'm going to decide or where I'll be next year. It's both scary and exciting. But mostly scary.

I don't know what I'm doing any more. But I'll probably die from an anxiety induced heart attack before next year even comes. Between English 101, calculus, and trying to choose which college to go to, my future is not looking too good right now.

In other, happier news, my scholastic bowl team [of which I'm the captain, go nerds!] is undefeated! We've only had two matches.... but still. Undefeated is undefeated.

Day 20

A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

There are numerous places I'd love to travel: Spain, France, Germany. The list goes on. But the one place I can remember wanting to travel to the longest is definitely Ireland. My dad's family is from Ireland and really into the whole Irish heritage thing. I mean, my dad organizes the annual St. Patrick's Day Parade in my hometown for crying out loud. [He didn't get this job for being Irish, though. Mainly because he's a member of the Knights of Columbus and willing to do the job.] Anywho, I remember when I was younger wanting to go to Ireland. I want to kiss the Blarney stone, go drinking in pubs in Dublin, go to Galway Bay [that song was my favorite when I was little], and go to Roscommon and Cork counties [that's where my family's from]. I mainly just think it'd be neat to see the place where the majority of my lineage is from [my mom's family is Scottish so Scotland is a close second]. I think it'd also be really cool to do all this with my dad. He's been there before when he was a bachelor and living in Holland. But I know he'd love to go back and see it all again with his family.

Are there any places you're just dieing to travel?

Scratch Off Challenge

Lazy blog is lazy. I saw this on Kathy's blog and I just had to steal it. It brought me back to the good ole days of middle school sitting on MySpace filling out bulletin post survey after bulletin post survey. Those were the days. Basically all you do is cross off the lines that apply to yourself. Simple, right?

Appearance
I have/had piercings besides the ears.
I want piercings besides the ears.
I have many scars.  I've had a couple stitches and once ran into a brick wall. But I also have some scars on my feet from mosquito bites.
I tan easily. I wish.
I wish my hair was a different color.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color. I have never dyed my hair. Ever.
I have a tattoo.
I want a tattoo. I really do want one, but I want it to be something meaningful.
I can be self-conscious about my appearance.
I have/had braces.
I have more than two piercings.

Embarrassment
Disney movies still make me cry. I'm a sucker. What can I say.
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
I’ve glued my hand to something.
I’ve laughed until some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
I’ve touched something sharp/hot/etc to see if it would hurt. I'm also sometimes an idiot.

Health
I’ve gotten stitches. On my forehead from running into a door jamb when I was 3 and on my knee from this incident a couple summers ago involving a table.
I’ve broken or dislocated a bone. I broke my right ankle playing summer basketball when I was 10.
I’ve had my tonsils removed.
I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
I’ve had chicken pox. But I have had the vaccine.
I've had malaria.
I've had typhoid.
I've had jaundice.

Travel
I’ve been on a plane.
I’ve been to the US.
I’ve been to Europe.
I've been to at least one other country.
I've never been out of my country.
I’ve driven/ridden over 200 kilometers in one day.

Experiences
I’ve gotten lost in my city.
I’ve seen a shooting star.
I’ve wished on a shooting star. I'm not quite sure why I didn't wish on it... like I said, sometimes I'm an idiot.
I’ve seen a meteor shower.
I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I’ve slapped someone. I acted like I was kidding, but I was serious.
I’ve kissed someone underwater.
I’ve chugged something.
I’ve crashed a car.
I’ve been skiing.
I’ve been in a musical.
I’ve auditioned for something.
I’ve been on stage.
I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
I’ve pranked someone. 
I’ve ridden in a taxi.

Honesty / Crime
I’ve been threatened to be arrested.
I’ve broken a law.  Ahem.
I’ve done something I promised someone I wouldn’t.
I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I’ve sneaked out.
I’ve lied about my whereabouts.
I’ve cheated while playing a game.
I’ve been in a fist fight.

Death
I’m afraid of dying. 
I hate funerals.
I’ve seen someone/something die. Do bugs count?
Someone close to me has attempted/committed suicide.
I have attempted suicide.
I’ve thought about suicide before.
I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
I own over 10 music CDs.
I own over 10 novels.
I own over 5 electronic gadgets.
I’m obsessed with anime/manga.
I collected comic books. Archie comics anyone?
I own a lot of makeup.
I own gaming console(s).
I own a car.
I own a bike.
I thrive on compliments.
I thrive on hate.

Random
I can sing low key.
I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
I open up to others easily.
I watch the news occasionally or always.
I like to kill bugs.
I sing in the shower.
I’m a morning person.
I’m a sports cricket fanatic.
I twirl my hair.
I care about grammar.
I love spam.
I’ve copied more than 30 CDs in a day.
I bake reasonably well. I like to think I'm a master pastry chef.
My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, blue, red, black, purple, or orange.
I would wear pajamas to school. I just can't do it. I have this theory that if I dress nice my day will be a good one.
I like Martha Stewart.
I laugh at my own jokes. 
I eat fast food weekly.
I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
I can’t sleep if there’s a bug/insect in the room.
I’m really ticklish.
I like  chocolate. But only if it's white chocolate or somehow involved with caramel.
I bite my nails. I pick at my nails.
I’m good at remembering names.
I’m good at remembering dates.
My memory sucks.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

People
...used to ask if I was anorexic/bulimic.
...called me fat.
...say I’m skinny.
...have said I’m ugly.
...have said I’m pretty.
...have spread rumors about me.
...force me to eat.
...say I eat too much.
...say I eat too little.
...say I eat too fast.
...say I eat too slow.
...have called me a genius.
...have given me gifts.

Eating
I’ve lost weight.
I’ve gained weight.
I’m at my thinnest.
I’m at my biggest.
I’ve lost weight and kept it off.
I’ve lost weight, but gained it back.
My weight affects my mood. 
I diet. 
I’m vegan/vegetarian. I tried it once after watching a Tyra Show special on tape worms. Lasted about a month.
I exercise.
I’ve fainted from exhaustion. 
 
Family
I’ve sworn at my parents.
I’ve planned to run away from home before.
I’ve run away from home.
I have a sibling less than one year old.
I want kids.
I’ve had kids.
I’ve lost a child.

Relationships
I’m engaged.
I’m married.
I'm in a relationship.
I’ve gone on a blind date. Never again.
I have/had a friend with benefits.
I miss someone right now.
I have a fear of abandonment.
I don't like to depend on others. 
I’ve gotten divorced.
I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
Someone has/had feelings for me when I didn’t have them back.
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
I’m a cuddler.
I’ve been kissed in the rain.
I’ve hugged a stranger. Why does this have to be sexual?
I’ve kissed a stranger.

Bad times
I regularly drink.
I can’t swallow pills.
I can swallow numerous pills at a time without difficulty.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression at some point.
I have anxiety problems.
I shut others out when I’m upset.
I don’t have anyone to talk to when I’m upset.
I have taken/take anti-depressants.
I’ve slept an entire day before. When I'm sick all I want to do is sleep.
I’ve plotted revenge.  I plot revenge all the time, although I've never actually acted on it. Someday.... someday.

Moments

 

I could tell you how much this affected me. I could also tell you how many times I read this and longed to make a change, any change, big or small. But I'm not because I want you to experience this for yourself and not through mine. Or maybe it won't affect you. I can't be the one to decide that.

I stole this from Meg. And I can say this many times over, but I you really should czech out her blog.

Day 19

A picture of you when you were little.

This is a picture of my big brother Conor and me! I believe this was taken on my second Christmas. I would have been 22 months and Conor would have been 4 years old. When I was little people used to tell my parents that they should enter me in beauty pageants. I think it was my big blue eyes and dimples.

I just love this picture, though. My parents say that when we were little Conor always used to want to play with me and hug me. After he got over the fact that they weren't going to be returning me to the hospital for good. We used to fight all the time when we were younger, and still do sometimes. We're just two very different types of people. He takes everything to heart and believes everyone has good intentions until they show him otherwise.. And I'm more selfish and can see people for exactly what they are. But he's my big brother and he would do anything for me. And I would do anything for him. Looking at this picture makes me realize how lucky I am to have such an awesome brother.

Day 18

A picture of your biggest insecurity.

I have honestly been putting this one off for a while. I've probably mentioned this before, but I have a thyroid disease that slows down my metabolism. We first learned about it when I was ten. From that time period on my biggest insecurity has been my weight. I know I'm not obese, or even big. But there were definitely times in my life when I felt that I was. I struggled so much when I was younger with my weight. I would see all my friend and think to myself how unfair it was that they were skinny and I wasn't. Why couldn't I be like them? I would get all into exercising and eating right. Then suddenly I would ask myself why. It didn't matter how hard I tried, I'd never be like them. Because of this my weight has fluctuated a lot over the past four years.

Until recently I couldn't deal with the emotional stress of being overweight, and then not, and then being overweight again. And so on. Now I find it easier to accept that, yeah, I may never be skinny. I may never be a size 2 or even a 6 or 8. But that's okay. The most important thing to me now is just being healthy. Eating right because I feel good and whole afterward. Running not because I enjoy running, but because I have more energy. Don't get me wrong, in doing these things I do hope to be more slender. I also haven't completely thrown my weight issues out of the window either. I don't think I ever will. But I am able to make myself understand that I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else. Comparing myself to others isn't healthy, and no good can ultimately come out of it.

*This picture is from my eighth grade trip to Washington, D.C. I consider this the low point of my self-esteem problems.

Done, done, and almost done!

I did it! As of yesterday I am done with my college applications. Well, not entirely. I still need to get my teacher recommendation, but that's the easy part considering all I have to do is ask a teacher to do it for me. Really the only part I was dreading about the whole thing was the personal essay. I don't really know why since I'm a decent writer... I guess just because the whole applying to colleges thing seemed overwhelming scary. It's something I've thought about ever since I was old enough to know about college. But the hard part's already been done. I've put in the strenuous amount of work my whole life. Getting good grades, doing the extra curricular activities, getting good test scores on the standardized tests. But it feels so extremely good to have this all done. Now I just have to complete my senior year and wait. This is the easy part. [Not really, I mean calculus is definitely not easy. But let me just kid myself for the next two days before school starts.]

Three out of four of the college I'm applying to are on this thing called the Common App. This thing really saved my life. You only have to fill out one application for all the colleges. Some of the colleges have supplements where you might have a to do something extra. But still. I only have to fill out two applications in order to apply to four different colleges? Hell yes. On the Common App there's a writing section where you have to write a personal essay from one of the six prompts. This is the one I chose: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.I seriously considered writing about a character from the Harry Potter series. No doubt, they definitely had a huge influence on my life. But then I thought that there were probably going to be a lot of those this year. Instead, I chose Carmen Lowell from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. I'm ridiculously proud of my essay. It turned out better than I could have imagined. I might share it later on, but we'll see.

So tomorrow I am going to reward myself with a huge shopping spree at Forever 21! My wardrobe is in much need. I've literally been living in cut-offs and t-shirts all summer. I'm a mess. I don't feel too bad about it, though. I mean, why would I need to get all dressed up to hang out with a 9 year old?

Oooooops.

Oh haaaaaaaay! Well this place looks slightly familiar. I didn't intend on taking a break at all. None whatsoever. But. However. Here we are. It sort of happened like this:

• "I'll just catch up on things tomorrow."
• The next day: "You know, I'm kind of tired today. Tomorrow, definitely."
• The next next day: "A couple days that's it, I swear."
• A week later: "Ah shit. Okay, tomorrow. Yep, for sure."
• A couple weeks later: "I am a terrible person."
• Today: "Get the eff over it."

And here we are. I apologize immensely. I'm hoping sure you guys understand. I have this terrible problem with procrastination. Speaking of which I have four different essays to write for my college applications... Tomorrow. I will get right on that. For sure. Definitely. Yes.

Sadly, tomorrow also happens to be my last day of baby sitting. Sadface. I will admit I was looking forward to this day for the past couple weeks. But now that I'm practically on top of it, I'm kind of sad. I mean, I've been hanging out with this kid four days a week, all summer long. As corny as it sounds, I really will miss him. I've never really had a baby sitting job before, but I do know enough to know how lucky I got. He listens to everything I say, does whatever I ask him to, and never acts like a brat. Plus he is just the sweetest thing in the world.

And, of course, school starts next Thursday. Senior year starts next Thursday. Yikes, I really don't feel old enough. But then again I do. Now I'm off to try and catch up on all the different blogs I'm following. This might take a while. (The next blog will not be twenty-one days from now. It will be up within a week.) (If you are following my tumblr or twitter you would have known that I am still alive. Links over in the side bar.)

Day 17

A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

This would be a picture of a Billiken. For those who don't know, which is probably most you, the Billiken is Saint Louis University's mascot. You may be thinking to yourself, what the hell is a Billiken? Don't worry, I thought the same exact thing. He started out as a kind of good luck charm in the early 1900s. If you bought one it would bring you luck, but if someone gave one to you, you had better luck. I think it was more of a Japanese thing, than American. But SLU supposedly chose him as the mascot because it's said he resembles coach John R. Bender [I would be slightly insulted if I were him].

I recently went down to St. Louis with my parents for a campus tour of SLU. And I have to say, as of right now, SLU is probably my top choice for college. It's completely different from all the other colleges I've looked at. Most of them are in towns similar to the one I live in, which isn't that big. Originally, that's what I wanted, to go to a small college in a town like my own. But now I'm not so sure. It would be totally different from what I'm used to if I went to college in St. Louis or Indianapolis. SLU is definitely the biggest, it has 8,000 undergraduates and 5,000 graduates. This seems kind of intimidating to me, but I think I could handle it. While it is a 2 hour drive from my hometown, I do have family that I'm close to living in St. Louis. The campus was big, to be expected, but it was gorgeous and didn't seem as overwhelming as I thought it would be. Most importantly, is the accounting program, I could get my masters in 5 years! The shorter I have to be in college, the better. But we'll see how it all works out. I've still got to get through applying and my senior year.

Nerdin' it up, Harry Potter style.

In honor of the premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2, I thought I would share my dad's Father's Day present with you guys.

 Yes, you are looking at a Lego replica of the Burrow. I saw it at Wal-Mart and just knew I had to get it for him. I wish I could show you guys all the details on the inside. All the little cabinets open and have things in them, there's a pig in the pen, the chimney actually does work (well it flips the little Lego characters to the other side, still impressive). There's just so many neat little tricks.

I could go on and on and on about the Harry Potter series. I saw the first movie in the second grade and decided to read the first book. From that point I was hooked for life. My dad was drawn in, too. It's one of the things that's made us have such a close relationship. My mom goes to see the movies with us, but she's not a die-hard fan like we are. Because I was so young when I first started reading the books, I've literally grown up with Harry Potter. I know there are tons of people out there like me. It's really kind of bittersweet this all coming to an end my senior year of high school. The outside world is becoming glaringly real to me, I'm growing up. I'm not ready for it to end, but I am. 

I'm so grateful to have had such a wonderful childhood full of magic, Hagrid, grindylows, and so much more. Harry Potter has been, and always will be, my weakness. I'll always tear up when I hear that music start up (you know what I'm talking about). Whenever I read or simply look at books 5-7 I'll have sudden flashbacks to my dad and I at the midnight releasings. Especially the one where we got home at 1 am and left for Colorado 7 hours later. And I'll always be willing to discuss in minute details every plot twist and character at the drop of a hat.

I'll leave y'all with a couple links you should seriously check out if you're a Harry Potter nerd. Which means you might have already seem them. Nonetheless. This video literally had me bawling like a baby. God knows what I'll be like when I go see the actual movie tonight. And this is just a wrock (wizard rock) music video. There is a ton more Harry Potter stuff on my Tumblr, so if you're interested the links over in the side bar. Hope you enjoy!

What is a lobster, for 100.

As of right now, this is me.

Allow me to explain myself. This summer I managed to land myself a pretty sweet babysitting job.When I say land I mean my best friend Kayla got her license suspended for the whole summer and was forced to work at her mom's orthodontist office therefore giving me her babysitting job. Bad for her = good for me. The kid's name is Reese and in 13 days [he informed me this today] he will be 9. His mom, Daphne, works with Kayla's mom, so when Kayla had to give up the job Della, Kayla's mom, suggested me. Reese has two older brothers, one's 18 and the other's 15. I say it's sweet because he's such an awesome kid. He talks nonstop and is really easy going. I babysit Monday through Thursday, 9-5ish.

They have a pool membership to a private pool literally 2 minutes away from their house, so I go for free. We went Tuesday and Wednesday this week for the first time. I didn't do much swimming, mostly just read the newest Sarah Dessen book while on the layout chairs. I swear I put on sunscreen! I promise! But my skin is so fair that it really didn't matter. So I'm burnt all over and it hurts to move once I've been in one position for long enough. I woke up this morning and I guess I got up too fast. I started feeling light headed [I've never fainted but I can only guess that's what it's like], pukey, my lips and face were chalk white, and to top it all off my burn was killing me. Thankfully, it's gotten better. Which is fantastic because tomorrow afternoon my mom, dad, brother Conor, Aunt Patti, and I are leaving for Colorado until next Friday. Yep, I sure picked a good time to get burnt.

I realize I've taken a pretty long sabbatical from blogging as it is. But I promise to be a better blogger when I get back. I promisepromisepromise. While I'm at it, thank you to everyone who complimented me on my last blog!

One more little slice of life, I met with my guidance counselor last week. Know what this means? For the first time since the 5th grade I won't be in band. GASP! It feels weird, yet slightly liberating. And sad, so many of my friends are bandies, but I can't take it any more. Simply put, band has gotten out of control. There are so many underclassmen that the director is constantly trying to discipline them. But he's so laid back, he lets it go and lets it go until it's finally gone too far. Long story short we spend more time dealing with immature freshmen than we do playing. Band politics, I know, I know. So instead I'm taking Intro to Business. And I will most definitely spend my school year being stalked by the band director.

Hope your summers are going good so far!

Day 14

A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

I couldn't imagine not having my family in my life. For the obvious reason, I literally wouldn't be here if it weren't for my parents. Well, duh Kate. But, seriously, I couldn't imagine not having them in my life, not being close to them. My whole life we've been a super close family. Every summer for as long as I can remember we go on a family vacation. Last year we went to Tennessee, this year we're going to Colorado for the 3rd time. I guess it's because of all the things like this that we do together. As much as I fight with my mom she's an incredible woman and a huge support to me. She really is one of the strongest women I know and she's helped me through so much. And I've already dedicated a whole post about my dad.

My brother, Conor, and I haven't really been all that close growing up. I mean, obviously, we're pretty close considering we're only 3 years apart and have lived together our whole lives. But we're not like best friends. We fought an awful lot when we were younger. Sometimes it got so bad that while my parents were at work she'd call my gramma. My grandparents live like 4 streets away, so she'd just show up. That's when we knew we were in for it when our parents got home. But as we've gotten older we've gotten closer. We've realized that it's not worth it to be fighting all the time. Now we have actual conversations and make time to do stuff together. And I know that as my older brother he'll always be there for me when I need him.

It's just hard to imagine not having that support system I've grown up with. We've definitely been through some really tough times. It amazes me how we've managed to get through them together and still remain as close as ever. I'm so extremely grateful and thankful to have them. And I know how incredibly lucky I am. It really does make me sad that some people just don't have that. I hope that some day when I have a family of my own I can provide my children lives the way my parents have for my brother and me.